The secret to a lifetime of great sex

The secret to a lifetime of great sex. Picture: Christian Steinhausen

There’s sex. There’s good sex. And there’s spectacularly good sex.

Which would you prefer with your partner?

If it’s the latter, here are ten golden sex rules to guarantee that’s what you’ll get.

LAUGH IT OFF

If you’ve never done anything in bed that’s caused you the slightest bit of embarrassment, you win the award for The World’s Most Boring Lover.

The World’s Best has had semen in their eye, pubic hair up their nose, broken wind at the worst possible moment, looked down at their body and thought ‘I really should have joined that gym’, tripped over because their knickers were around their ankles and felt stupendously ridiculous because they tried something new and it went horribly wrong.

Your attitude is spot on, if you thought, Who cares!, when any or all of the above happened.

You’re having sex, not performing live on You Tube.

USE YOUR BRAIN

Wise up to all the myths.

If you really think about things, you’ll realise your best friend isn’t getting it more than you are, simultaneous orgasms are rarer than hen’s teeth, movie sex and porn aren’t even close to the real thing and (the clinchers) real men have erection problems and real women have problems reaching orgasm.

In fact, plenty of women wish their sexual organs not only came with an instruction manual but a lifetime warranty as well.

One simple relocation and one of the most frustrating sex problems there is – that 80 percent of women can’t orgasm during intercourse – is solved instantly.

USE IT OR LOSE IT

Sex problems often aren’t sex problems at all, they’re time problems.

Sort your life out so you’re making time for two sex sessions a week.

I don’t care if the grand total of time spent on these two sessions is 10 minutes, it’s just a very good idea to connect sexually twice a week, minimum, unless you’ve got a really good reason not to. (You’ve just had a child).

If you really want to impress, it’d be nice if you spent at least 10 minutes on two of those sessions and set aside 30-45 minutes for the final one.

A quarter of couples have sex once a week. A third have it twice.

Only 15% have sex three times a week. Sixty one percent say a long session lasts 45 minutes.

Five percent of people watch telly or their ipads while they’re having sex.

Time yourself: most people don’t spend as much time having sex as they think.

There are lots of reasons why you should have regular sex and one big pay off is this – more orgasms, less effort.

The more you have sex, the quicker the chemical connection between brain cells because the impulses are travelling along a well-beaten path.

BUY A VIBRATOR

There are some very good reasons why every woman and every couple should use a vibrator.

Number one: vibration is the most efficient way to stimulate the clitoris and most women orgasm this way.

Lots of women only have orgasms using their vibrator.

Second: couples who use a vibrator during sex dramatically increase her orgasm frequency.

Two very good reasons to have one handy in the bedside drawer (and there are more).

GO FOR CHEMISTRY

Think about the best sex you’ve ever had.

Was it with the person you’ve loved the most or the person you most lusted after?

I bet it was the latter.

While you do need all the technical stuff to keep it going long-term, finding your sexual soul mate makes the whole thing so much easier because if you’ve got colossal chemistry, everything else seems to click into place.

So if you haven’t chosen your life partner yet, choose someone who you crave to be near.

Chemistry makes everything easier long-term.

SEPARATE SEX FROM LOVE

Great sex and true love don’t go together like bacon and eggs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m with you: falling in love is one of life’s most wonderful experiences.

When it’s reciprocated, it’s like travelling on one big, fluffy white cloud: light, dreamy and full of joy.

When it’s not, it’s like being caught in the centre of a vicious storm: you’re battered, bruised and bashed about.

Smart people figure this one out early on: just because your bits fit, doesn’t mean your hearts will too.

Just because the sex is out of this world, it doesn’t mean this is the love of your life.

Practice safe sex in all senses: don’t wear your heart on your sleeve to the point where you are hopelessly vulnerable.

Refuse to be treated badly.

Choose partners who are confident people, happy in their own skins: the better they feel about themselves, the better they’ll treat you.

STAY FAITHFUL

No-one can deny our libidos are revived - rather spectacularly - by a new playmate and this is heightened further by having an affair.

Sex feels great the first few times because of the newness and the ‘taboo’ infidelity buzz.

But once you’re used to the new body, the buzz fades.

Even more of a passion killer if you leave and you’re allowed to be with this person (the kiss of death for practically all affairs).

Unless you intend to spend the rest of your life skipping onto pastures new, this is why working on making sex great with the same person is a much better idea.

Having affairs to keep your sex life perky rarely works out.

Tracey shared her 10 golden rules for a lifetime of great sex.

SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

It's okay NOT to have - or even want - sex all the time.

If the only thing you want to do in bed right now is sleep, fine.

Most partners would prefer you said 'no' than perform on demand begrudgingly.

There’s another reason why saying no occasionally could be a good idea: your sex life might actually be more exciting because of it.

The odd refusal adds unpredictability: the minute sex becomes a foregone conclusion, you remove the thrill and chase from the relationship.

How to say thanks but no thanks without offending,  try ‘let’s wait until the weekend so we don’t have to rush and can really enjoy it’.

MASTER THE CONDOM

What good is it when you’re a committed couple?

Well, you might want to use them for contraception rather than just germ-catchers - and they’re rather handy if you’ve got thrush or cystitis and don’t want to play the let’s-pass-it-back-and-forth game.

For singles, they’re a necessary evil but much less intrusive if you make them part of foreplay.

Don't always leave it up to him to do the deed: your fingers unrolling it down the shaft (after squeezing air out of the tip first) is far more exciting. 

OPEN YOUR EYES

Close your eyes on orgasm and you’ll have an intensely pleasurable private experience.

Open them, keep them fixed on each other, and it becomes shared.

Isn’t that what it’s all about?

The upsides of getting down and dirty

By Dan Roberts

Boosting self-esteem was one of the 237 reasons why people have sex, says a study conducted last year by researchers from the University of Texas.

This is no surprise to Julia Cole, author of How to Have Great Sex for the Rest of Your Life. She is convinced that a healthy sex life with a loving partner does wonders for the way you feel about yourself.

"After a bout of sex the body releases endorphins, known as 'happy chemicals'," she says. "From a physical point of view, it's similar to enjoying a good workout or going swimming - but if you're having sex with someone you love it also makes you feel cared for and promotes self-esteem."

The proviso, of course, is that if your sexual experiences are unhappy ones, they will have a negative effect on your psyche.

But, assuming the sex is good, it is thought to improve body image, as well as reduce anxiety and the incidence of psychiatric illness, depression and suicide.

A 2004 study of men from four different cultures found that sexual satisfaction was directly associated with an increased frequency in sexual intercourse, as well as being inversely related to depression.

During orgasm the body produces oxytocin, a hormone linked to a range of positive physical and psychological effects, particularly its beneficial effect on sleep.

"There's no doubt that sex is relaxing and so helps tackle insomnia," says Dr David Delvin, a specialist in sexual medicine. "Lots of people use sex, whether with a partner or on their own, as a way of getting to sleep. The surge in oxytocin is a natural sedative."

One of sex's main health benefits is its positive impact on how we deal with stress. In a study published in Biological Psychology, researchers subjected 24 women and 22 men to stressful situations. Those who had intercourse had better responses to stressful scenarios than those who had either engaged in other sexual behaviours or abstained.

Cole says this could be down to the soothing effect of another's touch which, she says, has a naturally calming effect, whether linked to sex or not.

Apart from the pleasurable sensation, touch is also thought to have a biochemical effect, reducing the levels of cortisol - the hormone secreted under stress.

Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, or IgA, which can protect you from colds and other infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in the US tested IgA levels in college students. Those in the "frequent sex" group had higher levels of IgA than those who were abstinent.

Frequent ejaculations may reduce the risk of prostate cancer for men in later life, an Australian study found. Men who had at least five-ejaculations weekly in their 20s, reduced their risk of prostate cancer by a third.

Research also suggests that regular sex could help women avoid breast cancer. A French study found a higher risk in those women without sexual partners or who had sex less than once a month.

Having sex and orgasms is a key part of intimacy and ensuring a healthy long-term relationship - which has been linked to a longer lifespan in a number of studies. It's down to oxytocin again.

"Oxytocin, the 'bonding hormone', is released during childbirth," says Cole. "It is also released in people in secure relationships and during sexual contact."

Studies in which couples were asked to go without sex for long periods found that their general relationship declined, indicating that sex has a powerful bonding effect: "Often when I see couples in trouble, they have stopped having sex, and one of them will say their partner no longer finds them attractive," says Cole

Sex has been linked with pain reduction for a range of conditions, including lower back pain, migraines, arthritis and premenstrual syndrome symptoms. It's down to those hormones again.

"Sex increases endorphins, nature's painkillers," said Delvin, pointing out that oxytocin is also linked with pain relief.

But there is a chicken-and-egg element. People who lead more active sex lives exercise more regularly - improving sexual health, another study found. Consistent exercise increased frequency of sex, improving performance, and the ability to reach a "satisfying" orgasm.

One long-term Welsh study into the relationship between sex and mortality found a 50% lower mortality risk among men who had frequent orgasms - two or more a week - and frequent intercourse was associated with a lower incidence of cardiovascular disease and stroke.

"We know that having a strong relationship is a good indicator of longevity - and a healthy sex life is a big part of that," said Cole. - The Independent

 

Transsexuals live better after the op

Stockholm - Most transsexuals live happier lives after a sex-change operation because the condition has biological rather than psychological causes, according to Swedish psychiatrist Mikael Landen.

In research published in Sunday's Dagens Nyheter newspaper, Landen said he has discovered three genes present in transsexual males that make them less sensitive to testosterone, the male hormone which stimulates the development of the male sexual organs.

"That reinforces the theory that transsexuality has biological, rather than a psychological, causes," Landen said.

"It could explain why transsexuals cannot be cured by therapies, and why there are transsexuals in every civilisation," Landen added.

In a study of 400 transsexuals, Landen found that nine out of ten were happier after the operation. They had better psychiatric health and better working relations. They were also less likely to commit suicide.

And after the sex-change most transsexuals went on to have a sexual life they had never imagined possible before they were operated on.

Women who become men tend to do better psychologically, he said, even if their false penises do not function fully.

Men who become women on the other hand are able to obtain orgasm. - Sapa-AFP

Girls giggle but guys grunt - laughter study

Paris - Santa Claus does not go "ho ho ho," nor do his little elvish helpers go "tee hee" when someone cracks a joke on the Christmas-present production line.

In fact, says acoustical scientist Jo-Anne Bachorowski, real laughter is unlike either of those supposed sounds, and depends on what sex you are.

She asked 97 volunteers to watch various film extracts and secretly taped their laughter.

The clips included the fake orgasm scene from the movie When Harry met Sally and the "bring out your dead" scene from the film Monty Python's Holy Grail.

The subjects produced a thousand bursts of laughter, of a wide range of types.

Women were likelier to produce "voiced," or song-like, sounds such as giggles and chuckles, while men were likelier to grunt or snort.

All the volunteers were Americans, but Bacharowski, a researcher at Vanderbilt University at Nashville, Tennessee, suggests the findings may apply to other cultures.

"I suspect that culture shapes the circumstances in which we use laughter rather than its features," she says.

Bachorowski's study is reported in next Saturday's issue of the British weekly New Scientist. It is published in full in a specialist organ, The Journal of the Acoustical Society of America. - Sapa-AFP

Sam Smith has a thing for orgasms

Sam Smith. Picture: Instagram

Sam Smith loves the thrill of orgasms and wishes he could climax constantly without putting in any effort in the bedroom.

 

The 24-year-old pop star - who has just released his second album 'The Thrill Of It All' - has revealed the three things that he'd most like to be able to do in his life and one of them is to be achieve sexual gratification instantly without any of the hard work involved.

 

The 'Too Good At Goodbyes' hitmaker also wants to ensure his family are "happy" for the rest of their lives and be able to eat all the cheese he wants without gaining weight.

When asked if you had three wishes, what would they be, he told BuzzFeed.com: "Number one: for my family and friends to be happy until the day they die, and that they live a long life. Number two: to be able to eat cheese and not put on weight. And number three: to be able to give yourself orgasms whenever you want. Like, to be able to click your fingers and you feel an orgasm, without any of the work."

 

Sam always revealed that he can't stand karaoke and that pizza is his least favourite food, despite his hunger for cheese.

On what his go-to karaoke song is, he said: "F***ing hate karaoke. I cannot stand it. If karaoke starts, I run out the room. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

 

And asked what his favourite pizza topping is, he admitted: "I don't like pizza. It's really weird, I know. The only pizza I like has seafood on it, like tuna."

Sam's orgasm confession comes after he admitted he's now "great" at one night stands - but used to be "awful" at them.

The pop superstar - who is currently dating American actor Brandon Flynn - never used to perform very well in the bedroom, but he believes he has since perfected his technique and impresses his lovers when they enjoy a steamy sex session. 

 

Asked about how he fairs during a one night stand, he bragged: "I used to be awful, now I'm great. Now I've got it down, flip the hair."

 

Go to Buzzfeed.com to read the full Things You Never Knew about Sam Smith article.

Real people describe what sex feels like

Smith discovered a treasure trove of information in a now-archived thread on Reddit. Picture: Hippo Pix

I blame Hollywood for selling us a dream that never quite materialised. Don't worry, I think we were all duped by the fantasy that our very first sexual experience was supposed to be satin sheets strewn with roses.

 

Most of us got it wrong. Instead, it was a remake of a drama-comedy, complete with outtakes of fumbling in the dark and tripping over hastily-taken off clothing.

But knowing what we know now, it's clear that with a few practiced moves, sex improves over time. 

 

While writing a feature for Refinery29, Erika W Smith wanted to find out from other women what sex really feels like by skipping the bullsh*t and getting down to the nitty gritty. She discovered a treasure trove of information in a now-archived thread on Reddit。

Ten years later and the comments on "Female Redditors: What does sex feel like for women?" are still relevant today.

"Um, amazing. It's a feeling of fullness & pressure. We got it lucky, cause there's even the afterwards feeling of strolling around feeling like you've been f*cked.. which is another good feeling, and I'm not talking about the post-orgasm fairyland stuff. You feel empty in a good way. Woaah, I just found out that it's very hard to describe the feeling..." - zofo

 

I guess I'd say it's like my little soldier just got off a killer thrill park ride and is still a little woozy, but in a good way. - Itkovan

 

I love afterward when I go to the bathroom and see myself in the mirror, nekkid, hair mussed, cheeks flushed, and I feel like a goddess. - Capitalist_Piglet

Hmm, well it really depends what kind of sex you're having but really it feels all sorts of the following: warm, tingling, sharp, shivery, hot, waves of temperature, slowly building from toes to head orgasm - bananasantos

It's like going to the dentist! - jabberwocki

Why sex makes women fall in love

The lips are packed with nerve endings - 100 times more than the fingertips.

London - Sex is one of our biggest preoccupations - causing thrills, heartache and downright confusion. But until recently, exactly what happens in the brain during sex was something of a mystery to scientists. Now, however, American researchers have uncovered what goes on in a woman’s head during an orgasm.

The scientists from Rutgers University, New Jersey, used scans to monitor women’s brains during orgasm and found that different brain parts are activated when various parts of her body are aroused. They found that up to 30 different parts of the brain are activated, including those responsible for emotion, touch, joy, satisfaction and memory.

The scientists found that two minutes before orgasm the brain’s reward centres become active. These are the areas usually activated when eating food and drink.

Immediately before they reached the peak, other areas of the brain became affected such as the sensory cortex, which receives “touch” messages from parts of the body. The final part of the brain to be activated is the hypothalamus, the “control” part which regulates temperature, hunger, thirst and tiredness.

The scientists also discovered that sexual arousal numbs the female nervous system to such an extent that a woman doesn’t feel as much pain - only pleasure. The team now hopes to map what happens in a man’s brain during orgasm.

But what else is happening inside our heads when we slip between the sheets? Here we ask the experts to reveal how sex alters our brain.

WHY LOVE HURTS

A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone”. This lowers our defences and makes us trust people more, says Dr Arun Ghosh, a GP specialising in sexual health at the Spire Liverpool Hospital.

It’s also the key to bonding, as it increases levels of empathy. Women produce more of this hormone, although it’s not clear why, and this means they are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love with a man after sex.

However, the problem is that the body can’t distinguish whether the person we’re with is a casual fling or marriage material - oxytocin is released either way. So while it might help you bond with the love of your life, it’s also the reason you may feel so miserable when a short-term relationship ends.

Men, on the other hand, instead of getting a surge of bonding hormone receive a surge of simple pleasure. “The problem is that when a man has an orgasm, the main hormone released is dopamine - the pleasure hormone. And this surge can be addictive,” says Dr Ghosh. That’s why so many more men tend to suffer from sex addiction.

STAVING OFF DEMENTIA

Many of us are all too aware that our brain cells decline with age. In fact, it’s said we lose 7,000 brain cells a day by the time we’re 35, which makes rather depressing reading. The good news, however, is that having regular sex may help us grow new brain cells, according to scientists from Princeton University in the United States.

And the more sex you have, the more cells you can grow, it seems. Animal studies, published in the journal PLoS ONE, suggest that sex stimulates the growth of brain cells in the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning.

Factors such as stress and depression have been shown to shrink the hippocampus, yet exercise and sex counteract this effect.

Furthermore, sex could actually be protecting our brain cells against decline. “There is some evidence that older people who are sexually active are less likely to have dementia and this could be for a variety of complex reasons,” says Dr Ghosh.

Sex causes increased blood flow to the brain, which improves oxygen levels. “MRI scans have shown that during orgasm the neurons in the brain are more active and use more oxygen,” explains Barry Komisaruk, professor of psychology at Rutgers University and a leading authority on sex and neuroscience.

“It appears that the more active the neurons, the more oxygen they withdraw from the blood - so more oxygenated blood is supplied to the region, delivering a fresh supply of nutrients.”

But as well as boosting brain cells, sex could also sharpen a woman’s mind, says Dr Ghosh. That’s due to a surge in sex hormones, particularly testosterone, which can help improve concentration and reaction times.

SMOOCHING MEANS BETTER SEX

The lips are packed with nerve endings - 100 times more than the fingertips. As a result, kissing kick-starts multiple mechanisms in the brain, releasing chemicals that lower stress and boost mood, says Dr Ghosh.

“You’ll have much better sex if you kiss before intercourse,” says Dr Ghosh. It increases levels of the pleasure hormones and will make you a lot more receptive to what happens later. “That’s why loving sex can be more satisfying than a quickie - and that endorphin hit from dopamine is especially important for women.”

A NATURAL PAINKILLER

Orgasm (rather than sex) can block pain signals, says Professor Komisaruk. Research using laboratory animals and humans has found that orgasm can inhibit the release of pain transmitters from the spinal cord so they can’t reach the neurons in the brain that respond to pain.

In fact, he says, it can raise the pain threshold so much that the equivalent effect in morphine is three times the usual pain-relieving dose.

MIND POWER

A lot of sexual health research focuses on what’s happening physically. But experts say that for many people - especially women - the mind plays a key role in achieving orgasm.

While male brains tend to focus on the physical stimulation involved in sexual contact, the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.

The scans show that, during sex, the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion start to relax more and more, reaching a peak at orgasm, when the female brain’s anxiety and emotion are effectively closed down.

THE ULTIMATE HAPPY PILL

“There is a known circuit in the brain that’s involved in feeling happy,” explains Paul Thompson, professor of neurology at the University of California, Los Angeles, and an expert in brain imaging.

“This is called the limbic region, which is deep in the brain, and it’s more active when we’re rewarded. The same system is activated by sex, drugs, gambling - basically anything we enjoy.

“There’s more blood flow to the head, more neurons firing, more brain activity.

“Much of this deep brain circuit runs on the hormone dopamine. Anything pleasurable tends to cause these brain cells to exude more of it and this makes them fire faster.”

“Without doubt, sex has not only physical but psychological and social benefits, too,” says Dr Ghosh. “The endorphins released during sex can really help treat depression and clear the mind.

“One is serotonin, also called the happy hormone, which creates a sense of bliss. People often say that sex is the last thing they feel like doing when they’re depressed, but do try it if you can.

“And don’t worry if you get emotional afterwards - it’s very common to end up crying after sex. This is caused by a combination of endorphins being released and heightened emotions.”

BETTER SLEEP

If you’re struggling to nod off, it’s better to have sex than take a sleeping pill, says Dr Ghosh. “In fact, it’s more beneficial to have sex in the evening rather than the morning because the body wants to be relaxed afterwards, not get up and go to work.

“By having sex at the end of the day you’ll reap more of the stress-relieving benefits. For a man, a powerful orgasm is the equivalent of having on average a 2-3mg shot of diazepam (or Valium).

“That’s why so many men nod off afterwards - there really is a biological reason for this.” 

No Viagra, please, we're German and miserable

Hamburg - More than half of Germans aged between 20 and 50 are unhappy with their sex lives, a survey released on Wednesday has found.

 

The survey, published by the Hamburg-based magazine Fit for Fun, showed that 69 percent of women and 87 percent of men questioned said, however, that they always had an appetite for sex.

But 31 percent of the women said they had problems getting an orgasm. A total of 37 percent of the men and 21 percent of the women said having an extramarital affair was a good way to add flavour to their sex lives.

 

The use of potency-enhancing drugs such as Viagra was acceptable to 15 percent of men and six percent of women.

The representative survey used 1 003 men and women and was carried out by the Gewis research institute.