Awkward. This is one of the most embarrassing things that can happen during sex. Both men and women report calling out an old lover’s name in the heat of the moment. Why?
It can happen to anyone. Even if it’s never happened to you, you can imagine how cringeworthy the moment can be. It makes the significant other think, “is he still into her?” “Does he like her more than he likes me?” “Does he want to get back together with her?”
Freudian jealousy. A lot of our assumptions about peoples’ inner motives are linked to Freud’s theories. Psychology Today notes, "Freud thought that these verbal confusions reflected inner
However… It’s not that deep. Calling out an ex’s name is not a sign that you are still in love with them. Your unconscious is not trying to tell you something. According to a new report, there’s a completely different reason why you’re calling out the wrong name.
Memory. Our brains categorize people and things in order to make sense of them. And names are one of the most important categories our brains learn— and make mistakes with. The report published in the April issue of “Memory and Cognition” describes the phenomenon as “misnaming.”
Not just for lovers. It is common to call people by the wrong name. The report says, "...familiar individuals are often misnamed with the name of another member of the same semantic category; family members are misnamed with another family member's name and friends are misnamed with another friend's name.”
What about your dog? Have you ever called your boyfriend by your dog’s name? The report also discussed how people confuse human and pet names, which led to a heartwarming conclusion. This is a sign you consider your dog a member of your family! This only happened with dogs, though. Sorry, cat people.
Similar names. Does your boyfriend’s ex’s name rhyme with yours? The report claimed people were more likely to make name errors when the names were phonetically similar. Names like ‘John’ and ‘Bob’ were swapped all the time.
Lookalikes. Look like the ex? Your boyfriend may have a type, but that’s not why he called her name. You would think people would confuse the names of people who look alike, but that’s not the case. Physical similarities played no role in misnaming.
One story. One woman shared an awkward story to the Guardian about getting called by an ex-girlfriend’s name. She wrote, "We were probably still in the honeymoon period when he called me by his ex-girlfriend's name during sex. I was horrified and am convinced that he was fantasizing about her whilst we were together.”
It ruined their sex life. The woman confessed they stopped having sex after the misnaming incident. She said, "He insisted it meant nothing and tried to make it up. I agreed to forgive him, but the event has had a huge effect on me.It was eight months ago and we have only had sex a handful of times since."
Still awkward. Science can help explain people’s strange behavior, but it doesn’t always realistically make the situation any easier. Just because you know why a person did something, like call out an ex’s name, doesn’t mean you can just brush off the incident. It can take a little time to get over.
Hard to get over. More than being awkward, hearing his ex’s name during sex can be traumatic. Some people find it hard to have sex with the person again. What if he calls out her name again?
Talk about it. Go Ask Alice gave some pointers for this exact scenario. She advised bringing up the issue with your partner to make sure he has put his ex to rest. This could also be a time to talk about the current state of the relationship.
At the right time. Though you need to talk about the misnaming incident, don’t do it when you’re in an intimate setting. It can get awkward. Go Ask Alice writes, "Avoid bringing it up while in bed or on a date."
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