Take your time working through things. Finding out that your significant other wants to experiment with same-sex hookups can be really surprising and even devastating for you. You’ve just had a giant bomb dropped in your lap, and you need some time to work through how you’re feeling.
Don’t worry about making a decision right away. Anyone telling you that you need to make a decision right that very second isn’t taking your feelings into consideration. Your significant other is going to understand that you need time to think on this, unless they’re just not very considerate. Thank them for sharing this side of themselves with you, tell them you need time to think, and then go and do that.
Ask your partner what you’re allowed to share. Your first instinct might be to confide in close friends and family to figure out what it is you’re going to do about the situation. Don’t do that without talking to your partner first, because they might not want their situation publicized in any way. If they say they want things private, talk to a counselor or therapist who is bound by law to keep their mouth shut.
Whatever you do, respect their wishes on this. It really sucks that I have to say this in the 21st century, but LGBT people are still being harassed, bullied, and even killed because they’re not straight. There are reasons people don’t want to be out, and outing someone is a pretty terrible thing to do.
Practice a bit of empathy. I know it really sucks to deal with something like this, especially if it’s a long-term relationship you’re dealing with. You might find yourself caught between your devastation at the idea of your partner with someone else and your desire to let your partner explore their sexuality. The fact that you’re looking at it that way is great, and it shows that you’re an amazing person.
Recognize that your partner is really brave. There are so many people with curiosities and the desire to explore their sexuality who simply tamp down those desires or even their sexual identities, or choose to have affairs rather than openly admit how they’re feeling. What your partner did by telling you how they feel is immensely brave, and that’s something worth recognizing.
Ask them what they want. There are many different ways to hook up. Your partner might want a one night stand, or they might want to date or even have secondary relationships. They might want to experiment with you there, like in a threesome, or they might want to be alone for it. There’s nothing wrong with open relationships, but if you’re considering opening up your relationship, you need to know how you’re doing it, so you need to have that conversation.
Having that conversation can really suck. One reason why is because setting boundaries for experimentation before that experimentation begins is really tricky. Your partner might end up doing one thing and find that it opens up a ton of questions they weren’t prepared to answer. As weird as that conversation might be, it’s important to have that conversation.
Work through the logistics. If you’ve decided you’re okay with your partner having a same-sex hookup, great! Now, you need to talk logistics. Do you want them to tell you what they do with their same-sex hookups, or would you rather not know? Are they allowed to hook up with friends, or even people in your city? Are certain places off limits?
It might seem weird to have this conversation. Your partner might even just want to drop the subject because they don’t want to deal with the tough questions. However, the desire to experiment in this way often doesn’t go away, so it’s important to figure out if this is something that both of you really want.
Make sure you stay safe! If your partner is going to have a same-sex hookup involving actual sex acts, being sexually safe is really important. Any kind of sex comes with the possibility of getting an STD or STI, so make condoms and/or dental dams a requirement for sexual contact.
Keep an eye on your own health. Condoms and dental dams help a lot for preventing STDs, but they don’t prevent everything. It’ll be a great idea for you and your partner to separately talk to your doctors and get regular tests.
Make a decision. Once all the conversations and things are had, now comes the time to actually make the decision: can your partner have a same-sex hookup? That decision rests entirely with you, so make sure that whatever decision you make, it’s something you’re comfortable with.
There are several options you can choose from. Option one: you break one. Option two is to open your relationship up in some way. There’s no way you can just stay in the relationship without accommodating for this in some way, because it’s not really fair to your partner or to you. That can lead to such nastiness like long-term resentment and cheating, which leads to breakups anyway.
I’m not going to tell you how to make that decision. There’s no way to know what the best decision for you personally is going to be, because I’m not you, and no one knows your relationship better than you and your partner. However, the best thing for you is to be open to whatever life hands you, and not to feel like you need to do something you’re uncomfortable with, or that even bringing this up is the end. The best thing is just to keep your mind and heart open and communicate everything you’re feeling to your partner, and in turn opening yourself up to them communicating with you.
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