How much sexual experience your partner wants you to have had. Everyone tries not to think about it, and many people try to play it off like they don't care, but be honest – you've caught yourself obsessing about it before. How many people have they been with before me? Are they a really promiscuous person or are they more reserved? It turns out, there is a magic number of ex-sex partners your current partner wants you to have had.
The study. An online survey recently polled 188 people about their past sexual partners, asking them what their "number" was. The results and the ensuing report were then published in The Journal of Sex Research. What they were aiming for – and what they found – was what the ideal amount of previous sex partners is for a person to be considered attractive.
Zero experience is undesirable. You didn't have to become a scientist to learn this, you could've just watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin. We're not saying that someone would flat out get turned down if they admitted to not having prior experience, but it definitely wouldn't be the biggest turn-on. We would like something on your sexual resume.
We want someone who has already been "chosen" before. The reason why someone with no previous sexual partner is not appealing is because we want someone who has been picked before. If we recognize that someone else has found this person attractive and desirable, it makes us think that they are desirable, too.
Too much is a big turn-off. Many people are turned off if they learn that someone they have expressed interest in has had many previous sexual partners. We'll delve into the reasons why a little bit later, but right now what you need to know is this: Your sex number may be psychologically hurting your relationships.
When are you off limits? For those of you who are reading this and thinking "My number is way out in the stratosphere compared to these stats", the study mentioned you, too. The Psychology Today article written about the study said that for those at the "extreme" end of the spectrum with 60 or more previous sexual partners under their belt, people tend to see you as virtually off limits when it comes to relationships.
The ideal number. What the researchers found during the course of their study was that the ideal number of previous sexual partners was two or three. We know what you might be thinking – SO not realistic. Well, the funny thing about people is that they don't actually expect it to be realistic. This is what they want in an ideal scenario, but what they get (and what they give) is much different.
Most participants in the study were actually more promiscuous than they wanted others to be. We never said people practiced what they preached! When people were asked about their own sexual histories, they revealed that they had had more sexual experiences than they would ideally desire of prospective partner. Hypocrites, hypocrites all!
Difference in sexual histories between men and women. The study found that men and women's sexual histories were a bit different from each other. Women tended to have around six previous sexual partners while men tended to have around eight. Scientists say that this could be because of certain societal double standards or because the participants may not have been truthful about their number.
Different age groups have different answers. As Psychology Today notes in their analysis of the study, different age groups actually reported different ideal numbers. Those who preferred 2-3 past sexual partners were in the 21-year-old bracket, while those in the 25-year-old bracket were fine with a few more past sex partners.
It's not just sex. Relationship partners matter, too. Just like people aren't to eager to be with someone who has had a lot of past sexual partners, they also aren't eager to dive into a relationship with someone who has had a dozen relationships in the past. They'll be very cautious of you if you've had a lot of relationships because they'll think that you won't be sticking around for a while and you'll soon find another relationship.
Why we care. We like to look into our potential romantic partner's past because we're looking for what it can tell us about the potential future. We look for signs. Is it really a good idea for me to start with this person? What does history tell me they're going to do? What does history tell me about their character?
You want to know they have experience, but you don't want to feel threatened. When it comes to both sex and relationships, you want the ideal partner. What does it mean to be ideal? It means that the person is experienced, but is non-threatening. They know what they're doing and they're competent to satisfy your needs and wants, but they don't outrank you or pose a danger of hurting you emotionally.
Should you let go of the past? Yeah, probably. Everyone has one, and for most people it's made up of a lot of moments that aren't too pretty. We learn from our past; at least, that's the hope and the goal. You can have your judgements, but in the end, you're dealing with the person who is standing in front of you, not who they were five years ago.
Be discerning, but don't let the past ruin your present and future. Use your best judgement. Like we said, taking a look at someone's romantic record can give you good insight into who they are and how they will treat you in the future. That being said, don't let their past or their mistakes – mistakes they've hopefully learned from at this point – ruin your present and future together.
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