Plenty of couples wait until they’re married to have sex, and on the other side of the coin, a lot of couples stop having sex once they get married. Whenever someone refers to their sexless marriage, people take it as a tragedy or a shameful secret. Is there such a thing as a happy sexless marriage? Can celibacy be a choice or moreover a good choice? Here we look at confessions of why married couples choose celibacy.
Do you think there’s such a thing as a happy celibate marriage? Let us know in the comments.
Religion. In many religions, sex between a husband and a wife is reserved for the purpose of procreation, but if the couple gets past an age where that’s possible or appropriate, then sex becomes no longer holy. For many couples, this seems to work out, although that could be a function of the attitudes very religious people hold toward divorce.
Hassidic. An orthodox Jewish podcast recently told the story of a husband and wife with three kids where the wife realized she was only attracted to women. Nonetheless, the couple ultimately decided not to separate. “My religion is as big a part of me as my sexuality… bigger. I love my husband, I just don’t desire him.” The couple in the podcast was reported to still be happily married in a follow up interview.
Cheating. On the Howard Stern Show, Stanhope and his girlfriend were interviewed and Bingo, Stanhope’s girlfriend admits to having had drunken sex with someone else in her recent past. Stanhope says repeatedly that this doesn’t bother him. In fact, he says he finds it funny.
Drive. Stanhope told the AV Club, "Yeah, I really have no sex drive. I think I’ve changed so much that you don’t even realize, ’cause that’s really the motivation of most of the things you do in your early or middle years. If you trace any pattern of motivation, there’s usually p***y at the end of if it.”
Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope is a popular comedian with a large cult following. Among the subjects he’s become famous for discussing, his decision not to have sex is one of them. Stanhope had been with the same women for a long time. He recently went on the Howard Stern show and said he no longer has sex because he’s “developed a healthy sense of shame.”
Christa D’Souza. In and op/ed for The Guardian writer Christa D’Souza describes people’s shame over not having an active sex life in their marriage, stating that, to admit to a sexless marriage is "is to admit to a societal failing so profound, so deep, so … almost spiritual, it's beyond the pale. It is something that cannot be acknowledged, maybe not even to each other, let alone to one's friends.”
No pressure. A 44-year-old anonymous women who was interviewed for the article wrote, "It's such a blissful scenario: separate beds, or even bedrooms, deep love for each other, friendship, shared parenting but NO PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX! “
Shame. Celibacy is more shameful than cheating, expresses the anonymous interviewee. “The couples who are living it – you think they are going to let on? Men and women are far more prepared to talk about having extramarital affairs than about having a celibate marriage. There's far less shame in having loads of sex than there is having no sex at all.”
Inappropriate. Here, D’Souza discuses the evolution of sex late in a marriage. "Everyone – sigh – knows the drill: schedule it in; push through the repulsion/exhaustion/irritation barrier; engage in some roleplay; use it or lose it. But after one's broken the novelty shower-cap rule (I've got a cow and a frog one, you?), after one has spent 15-20 years cohabiting with the same perfectly delightful, perfectly attractive person, seeing them walk nude around the house about five million times, it can feel, frankly, a little … inappropriate."
The couple: her. Here’s how she deals with it. "She, who is still as attractive as she was 30 years ago, doesn't ask. He doesn't tell, and they are fine. Ditto the 50-something friend with grownup children who, though happily married, has not had sex with her husband (or anyone else) in eight years,” D’Souza writes in the Guardian.
The couple’s own words. Sex, the wife in the couple believes, would not help their relationship. She states, "People say sex cements a relationship. But at this stage of our lives together, I think it would actually impair it.”
Dishonesty. According to the Guardian article, dishonesty is part of the problem. People lie about their sex lives and so others feel as though they have to live up to an impossible standard. Even survey’s of people’s sex lives appear to be skewed or inaccurate.
Live up. Sue Newsome, a sex educator, tantra adviser psychosexual therapist said in The Guardian, "We don't have frank, honest conversations about it with each other. It's not part of our national character. The upshot is that we create myths around our friends. Everyone is better than I am, everyone is having this wild sex life, while I am not.”
Reasons. In an article by Psychology Today about sexless marriages they examine some data on sexless marriages, "In examining the data from a sample of 77 couples, Donnelly and Burgess identified a handful of basic strategies. About one-third gave up and stopped asking their partner. Others sought sexual gratification outside the marriage. For the majority, investing their energy in other things (work, school, hobbies) provided the greatest emotional relief."
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